spiralings on Mochi from ϑ’default mode network

[unlisted]

[Created: 14 Oct 2025]

[tw: abuse]

ϑ’puppy complex

One of my biggest criticisms of Intercourse by Dworkin was that she did not take into account kink and ϑ’idea that it could be practiced safely completely divorced from any kind of real abuse. But after some lengthy (lets just call it) character development, I see now that what started out as consensual power play reflected a very real and dangerous entitlement and disrespect towards his partners that eventually spilled out into every interaction I had with him. Before I met him, there was a line between play pretend and real life. He’s blurred that line.

Obedience, not love, is the proper basis of marriage for a woman, according to the old man; and masculinity is measured by how well a man controls his wife in the house and his horse in the field. - Dworkin.

When I first met him, I thought I had finally found my other half: sensitive, feeling, empathic, but with a seemingly healthy playful masculine side that emerged in sexual contexts. It starts out incredibly nurturing and caring, you may even start to see him as a mentor or father figure. But ϑ’more you look up to him ϑ’more he will feel inclined to look down on you. I remember at one point he said 24/7 BDSM lifestyles were “based,” but it is obvious what he meant by this now. In this interaction, his playful kinks, a play dynamic that was previously considered consensual, are used to justify his abuse and manipulation.

But after I failed to follow his orders to his expectations - failing to spot a benchpress, opening ϑe “wrong window” for him while he rolled in bed, not knowing how to fold a burrito - he told me he can’t trust me, that I can’t focus, that it’s because of my ADHD. That I need to fix it by any means necessary: “go on a massive acid dose or get on meds I don’t care how you do it just fix it.” He threatened to leave me, or did just for an attempt to try to get me to beg for him to stay. When he realized this obviously wasn’t going to work, he apologised, took it back, and said “it’s okay, I was too harsh, I’m spending a lot of money in therapy to stop being so destructive, you’re always going to be my puppy, and we can get you on meds or I can just domestically abuse you.” He snickered.

I told him he was not funny, leaving a faceprint of tears on his jumper. Of course by ϑ’next day, he declared he was sick and exhausted by my “moping and bitching,” that I had “no right to be upset” because I “was ϑ’one that hurt him,” and using ϑ’most hurtful words he could conjure up he called me insufferable to be around - and using it as justification for leaving me out when i was in a rough housing situation. Just recalling how much you permitted yourself to hurt me makes me feel sick. If you loved me how could you be so self-centred? It’s not a trauma response. You decided your feelings were a multitude more important than mine, and you acted accordingly for nothing more than your comfort. Not only did you shut them down constantly, twist them to make me feel guilty for having them, you also thought you had ϑ’right to dictate how long and to what degree my “moping” was allowed. I feel you did this because I was barely human in comparison to you.

thats it. You’re Israeli To Me Now.

You never asked me what it is that I want; I just wanted what you did at first. You will come to trust him, you won’t even see all ϑ’ways he is lying and manipulating you, but you will feel it before you know it - ϑ’poison. Listen to it. Love is not pain. ϑ’idea that it is keeps us all trapped in this endless cycle. Døn’t let him do ϑat to you.

I remember when we first met in person he said he couldn’t be a feminist despite agreeing with feminist literature because by nature as a man he is their “class enemy.” All abuse seems to have an Israeli nature. A child from ϑ’moment they can conceptualise anything is told a fairytale about a promised land. A piece of property waiting to be explored by him. ϑ’root of all evil is entitlement, not money. When an oil bajillionaire brings ϑ’earth to ruin for money, ϑ’money is merely a symptom of ϑ’deeper values that drive his actions - and his values tell him that land is his property. That he has ϑ’right to do whatever he wants with it. It is a completely logical continuation of ϑ’logic of entitlement: “what gives people ϑ’right to tell me what to do with MY property?” Another symptom reveals itself to be possession. “I know you’ve made me every meal I’ve wanted this past week 3 times a day but this sushi I’m getting delivered via private taxi to your house is for me… I’m only letting you have some because I love you so much” very fucking funny apparently. oh comedy. It was always me that had to take ϑ’coach to you, while you just “can’t stand them.” ϑ’princess.

…the nature of evil itself [argues Hannah Arendt] is ‘thought-defying’… because thought tries to reach some depth, to go to the roots, and the moment it concerns itself with evil, it is frustrated because there is nothing. That is its ‘banality’.”

A caricature of castration leading to phallus seeking

I hear men asking why women oftentimes seem to be completely unaffected by divorce. men seem to have so much more to lose. she loses someone to give to, to nurture, to pamper, while he loses his mother, his child, and his toy. You may be inclined to believe he loves you for all your complexities, but in this way your brightness and accomplishments are twisted only to elevate him. It went from anything we want to anything he wants. You cared for me only as much as it elevated and served you. I loved you selflessly and you loved me selfishly. ϑ’chemistry!

Did your “bisexuality” ever emerge from an attraction to women or men - or was it just ϑ’control that excited you? I remember 1ᶜᵉ he said if he wasn’t groomed and oversexualized and pressured by society as a teenager he would have remained asexual. His “attraction” to men may be based solely on ϑ’idea that degrading ϑ’masculinity of another man is more rewarding to him. Thank god I didn’t let him put me on E.. just to clarify.., I’m not trans, i was just straight up possessed it was demonic, and i genuinely wanted to be whatever he wanted me to be. that doesn’t mean that my desire to transition was “not real” or forced (actually this is complicated i’m not getting into it), only that it only emerged as a complete loss of self for this person I essentially worshipped with all my being. Eternal Devotion, love’s lie.

Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in. —Robert Seidenberg.

black hole

Now whenever I see anything remotely pornographic or someone sexts me I just feel despair and fear. How embarrassing is it that my dad didnt even get to be ϑ’one to give me daddy issues. It’s not that you don’t know how to love, you used to do so just fine. Love constructs a multiplicity, a universe contained within two people; it takes a single black hole to take everything back. A single dealbreaker to overcode it all back into an empty void. according to Sartre, limerance, this addiction, may stem from something you feel you lack. maybe he was just avoidant and destructive in proportion to my attachment and limerance.

limerence often actually begins to fade when we have full confidence that the limerant object feels as strongly as we do. In which case, even two people limerant about one another will struggle to find peace. as when one of the desires is too obvious, the other will at least somewhat retreat causing despair in the temporarily more limerant party. But then if they pull away in response, its likely to reel their lover back in. - unsolicited advice on tennov.

embalming skin

I don’t need you. ϑ’man I needed is dead, and you killed him. But I still want to lie with his corpse. A ghoul. ϑ’person you could have been. I like to think ϑ’times ᴜ̊ loved me ԙ as real as ϑey were in ϑ’præsent. ItꝬ astrophysically set in stone!! I can go back whenever I want - to ϑ’comfort. & when I die, my being will dissolve out of my current state of entropy to a point of view ϑat will be back w/ ᴜ̊, now & forever !!! ϑereꝬ nø reason to grieve.. ϑere will be a time for everyone when time itself iꝬ nø môre !! I like ϑ’idea of having a part of you I can really have forever & ever. A part of you ϑat can’t hurt me. This is ϑ’real reason I refuse to send you back your clothes. It is not in light of being taken for granted that I refuse to do anything for you anymore,. it’s more so that I wear them knowing ϑ’skin it used to rest under was yours, and it gives me a fleeting sense of power, but it also makes me feel so close to you,. or a version of you I still hold dear.

And yet. Winter’s coming and I hope ϑ’silly puppymonkey will be able to adequately keep you warm. I’ve doused it in ϑ’perfume you picked out for me. Yours makes me salivate, as if it were still on my nose from biting your neck. Physiologically I’m still wired to you. For a while I tried “dating myself” but it only caused me to daydream about you further. ϑ’day before I called, “you” made sure I was okay, made me tea, gently chased and dressed me to get to ϑ’Lidl before they closed, we held hands all ϑ’way back and when you kissed me it felt just like ϑ’first time. It made me hate myself. Maybe I shut myself out too. In so many ways that make no sense I still want you. I just don’t know what to do.

I compulsively run simulations in my head to try to make it work - maybe if I kidnapped you and provided you Huel… maybe if I got you addicted to crack… maybe all I had to do is to stop making you ϑ’centre of my life like you begged me. Maybe now that this is ϑ’case we can heal again, even if only from a distance. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you feel heard. Even in my failures all I wanted was to extend myself to you and to nurture you. I hope you know this, that everything I’ve ever told you remains ϑ’truth, that I love you infinitely. I hope this message reaches you gently. “How has your day been? Do you think you know what happened yet?”

you Decide

As much as I wish I could tell you, I know you won’t actually hear me. I know that you will twist it in some way. You no longer have that privilege. I will not bother to explain any of ϑ’above to you as you do not have any interest in listening; this too needs no explanation. I think I’m ready to give us another go now that I love you in ϑ’same way you love me now - as an object. You can stop pretending to care about my feelings, and I won’t either. I will not pay for anything until you fulfil your promises. I will not take orders. I will never be yours. We will never be boyfriends again. I want all ϑ’gifts I gave you back. ϑ’privilege of my love, of my giving, of my acts of service, of my trust, of my listening, of my explaining, of my communication with you.

You’re not as good a liar as you think. It’s obvious to me when you try to twist reality. I’m sorry what objectively happened doesn’t fit your “narrative”. abusers will always have a way of making their actions and decisions sound so passive when they never were. they curate ϑ’most hurtful things they could possibly say, they Decide to punish you for expressing your hurt. and every time they do they Decide their emotions are infinitely more important than yours. they Decide. they do not have anger issues they have a problem with your anger, as Lundy Bancroft puts it. & they probably don’t even remember what they said with how casually they do so. but i remember. and when i play ϑ’conversations back in my head as they are there is just no way for me to deny it to myself. i know you know this. i know you must have some level of self awareness. and even then i did not block you because your actions were categorically abusive (i didnt even know at ϑ’time. i think that word comes with a lot of baggage, theres a tendency to understand abusers to be fundamentally evil in some way, but theyre not, theyre just normal banal people., its a pattern of behaviour that emerges for various reasons and justifications that are actually everywhere), but because you practically begged me to - to shut up, to stop burdening you with my feelings, over and over and over.

it had been going on for a long time. i have my regrets too, i shouldn’t have been so honest. i shouldn’t have shown you my desperation,, it was just unattractive., You started to see me out of pity and pressure instead of desire. This is how i became someone to use. but your fading attraction to me didnt have to emerge as a complete disdain for my being. your inability to even recognise your actions at all (or perhaps your ability to block it out from your psyche in order to avoid ever taking accountability for anything that ever happens) is ϑ’main reason i gave up. because you will never change, and i had no right to change you. you are as you are and i could only leave,, only then it will not matter that im not at all heard,. as if ϑ’words were ever considered. and im not saying all this now because i think you’ll understand or process any of it, - im doing so because it doesnt matter to me anymore if you do. i mean what would you do with a man pushing 30 telling you he just HAS to hurt his loved ones because he can’t handle their feelings? you give up. i dont want you to think, just because i will always love you, that you deserve it.

love in dimension lacking

You unironically call yourself an empath but ϑ’only feelings you’re in touch with or even care about are your own. How does it feel to have become just as manipulative as your mum and as controlling as your dad? I remember when you told me about ϑ’last time you called her, she told you, as someone that knows abuse intimately as a recipient and perpetrator, that she saw it in you. To play devil’s advocate with that book on abuse (Why Does He Do That), you’re full of shame because you’re completely incapable of taking accountability. Running away from ϑ’pain of shame creates your narcissism and abusive behaviour - a condition that creates ϑ’environment of entitlement where only your feelings matter. There’s a man pushing 30 telling me he just has to hurt his loved ones because he can’t handle their feelings. That insists his feelings be prioritised because he’s had a hard life. Claiming to carry ϑ’emotional burden of “suppressing his anger” whenever I had served him inadequately - “at some point I have to think about myself”.

as real his suffering may be, he fetishized it to keep himself aesthetically ϑ’victim, to keep himself ϑ’centre of care and attention. when he cut himself he seemingly did it to evoke pity and when he saw someone to be not prying into ϑ’tragedy of it enough it was a betrayal. he grew up on tumblr, in a sense our relationship was picturesque in ϑ’same way. it was aesthetic, and hot. he equates intellectual nihilism as inherently more sophisticated and complex because it is sad and beautiful, and writes himself in, creating his entire belief system. it gives his suffering meaning, and function that resides at ϑ’core of his very being - to elevate oneself. when he told me about his revelation of being groomed in his teens, he seemed immensely satisfied at my horror., because it was understood to add to his complexity, his sexuality, profundity. there was a certain level of intimacy of him sharing this realisation with me, but it was not pleasurable for me like it seemed to be for him. it is not as if i did not profit off mental illness in my teens, but i have grown out of that now. i see little mystique in his illness (at least later on in our relationship) and i think he felt threatened by it.

he’s an underground man, little tyrant. “It’s in despair that you discover ϑ’most intense pleasure, especially when you are acutely conscious of ϑ’hopelessness of your predicament”. abstract: husbant exhibited textbook signs of covert npd. i spent a lot of time psychoanalyizing him, to justify ϑ’ways he was hurting me. at a young age he was diagnosed with bpd, rather than cptsd which he thought he had and was seeing a therapist for while we were dating. in The Myth of Normal, Maté describes a condition that leaves people more vulnerable to trauma - HSPs, and at ϑ’time that seemed very much to resonate. all these were misdiagnoses. when i fell into reading about covert npd, everything seemed to come together.

you have npd. you have npd and i wish you healing. i know you do love in your own way, even if you cannot feel it ϑ’same way i do. and knowing that i hope you realize and find treatment, so you can inch closer to finding ϑ’happiness in giving, in love, and cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself and those around you. It is terrifying to think you are just a meat puppet, that we may be strung by our nerves, determined by chemicals,, despite your own hegelian dialectical understanding of free will vs deterministic agency. In this way i can forgive you, though it is another way of doing ϑ’self-victimizing for you. It sounds hard having covert npd, it really does. I am grateful for all ϑ’love i felt for you, love you could only feel in a dimension lacking. Mathematically. Godspeed.

who am i without you?

At first I wished he could know ϑ’pain he’s caused me - nothing less than a swirl of ϑ’most vile feelings I’ve ever felt. But he already does. He’s known it for most his life. He has justified it to himself as ϑ’nature of things, of love. It has become him. But he can’t twist mine. But ϑ’fact of ϑ’matter is, neither of us were happy or wanted this, and it’s over. We’re moving forwards. It is okay to be angry, to grow up in fear of vulnerability and sadness, but it is never okay to be cruel, to treat others without ϑ’recognition that their emotions are just as real as yours. Your love is cruel and corrupt. I never once asked you to be perfect, only to be honest. Your cruelty is so habitual and casual in nature you likely don’t even remember any of ϑ’interactions I have brought up. my dearest Fiona Apple fan do you remember this one?

But I ran out of white doves’ feathers to soak up the hot piss that comes from your mouth every time you address me

the act of over-intellectualising and rationalising is very often deployed as a coping mechanism to avoid real acceptance of emotions, which i find leads to ϑ’baffling lack of emotional intelligence in otherwise exceptionally “smart” people. these people will only disappoint you. even still i am grateful for ϑ’passion for philosophy you have extended to me, an organ i have adopted. i remember a time i inspired you just ϑ’same. i want many more organs, there were none left from you for me to adopt,. and i aspire to love oncemore, to live many lives, to discover many passions.

two months after i escaped you, youre a person to me now! ordinary. i wonder at what point this is how you saw me too. all this time endlessly trying to figure you out, even now, it’s always just been simple. you do what you do and you mean what you say. all ϑ’contradictions can all be true at once., no more denial. even without idealizing and crystallizing you, i could have loved you in all your mediocrity, if only you were someone else. in this way, you have been mediocre from ϑ’day i met you, with ϑ’exception that you always knew exactly what to say to make me feel whatever you wanted me to.

I can feel myself slowly regaining sanity as ϑ’days go by without you. i need someone to hold me by ϑ’shoulders & go “you ԙ literally oh vee ex ex… your time is VALUABLE. you ԙ successful, & capable of making things that matter. you are literally iṋ ϑ’top percentile of hot & smart. people want you & people want to be ᴜ̊ & people want ϑ’ϑiŋs ᴜ̊ make. people listen to ᴜ̊. how many people ԙ lucky as ᴜ̊ to say ϑat? no one can ever have self respect for you.. its something you have to figure out yourself. it doesnt matter how many other ways you are successful if you cannot. im considered quite successful by many.., but until know to respect myself I’ll simply never be successful in anything that makes me truly happy. love is an inherently humiliating and terrifying endeavour.

i dont even know what im sad about anymore.. its just ϑ’overall tragedy of it, of his character,, though im happy it is not my problem anymore. ϑ’only problem i have now is ϑ’him sized hole in my heart lol,, but now at least i can fill it up with whatever i want.. what specifically about him gave me so much meaning? guidance, protection, authority, direction, someone to tell my dreams to, inspiration, someone to push myself to become a version of myself that was more desirable? more accomplished, healthier, smarter. recognition, a lifelong companion, maybe it was a desire for limerance itself, ϑ’ecstasy of it. someone to devote my life to, a god. though i do not want him anymore, i miss having all those things in my life. love. its what i live for. its ϑ’reason. but i dont need him to love, my ability to love is within me, waiting to be revealed., and i can choose to cultivate it and exercise it whenever i want., with friends, with ϑ’world, in all things., and of course love will find me again. Grief is love persevering.. Just find a new place to put it, like Boo. a feeling in my chest that rises up to my neck, a weakness. What exactly is meaning? Eudaimonia - “orientation toward growth, contribution, and excellence”, pursuit of things you feel intrinsically drawn towards… volunteering, social justice, support. Things that matter in ϑ’long run, and feel good despite discomfort. devotion. mother, i appreciate all that you do but i feel like a stranger to you. do you get that thing where you almost start crying because you see your friend crying? I get that with ϑ’city.

you don’t have to be afraid anymore, i see you for all you truly are and love remains. love that is omnipotent, love that transcends time and space,. unmoving… metaphysical. and even as i am washed away, it will be waiting to be found down ϑ’riverbank elsewhere!